My Life in a Multi-Level

Holiday Card Time!

2010-12-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hey friends-

I absolutely love love love Christmas cards. I love creating them, and I love receiving them. I love to see how my friends and family are doing, and how their families are growing and changing. When I send mine out, I try and do it super early, so I get more back. They make a great decorations. This season, I am super excited, because my favorite online printing company, Shutterfly, has some awesome designs. I am going to have a hard time choosing. First, I need to pick the family picture we are going to use. That is half the battle, right?

Check out some of the cute stuff Shutterfly has this year:

Check out their holiday photo cards here:
Or their beautiful stationary cards here:

Or a nice, traditional holiday card here:

This year, Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… sign up: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

How cool is that?

Watch for my Christmas card...I promise it will be cute!

Deals to Meals!

2010-05-24T17:02:00.001-06:00

I know it has been a while since I posted, but I wanted to tell you all about this fabulous site I have been using for over a year now. It is dealstomeals.com and it has saved me so much time and money! For only $5 a month, the weekly local grocery ads are scoured and compared to Walmart, Costco, and Sams Club. Then, she tells me what to buy and where! The best part is, I price match at Walmart :) Check it out!

Bite Me...

2009-11-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a nerd. So yes, I was there on Thursday night. And yes, I paid double the price of a normal ticket to sit on the second row and stare up at Jacob in all his bare-chested glory before ANYONE else in the state.

Now, if I had not read all 4 books, I would have to admit, New Moon would have made me switch teams. No, not THAT kind of switching teams, you sick-minded freaks. Switch from Team Edward to Team Jacob. However, I have read the books. So though I am still swooning, I must remember that I want Bella to be with Edward. Sigh.

But that is not what this post is about.

No, this post is about what happened AFTER the movie. On Friday, my FNF and I planned on hitting the New Moon Experience at the Expo Center. Now before you vomit in your mouth, realize that my good friend Mal is in the Twilight Music Girls group and was playing at the event. So I went to see her.

Turns out I should have JUST gone to see her. We got there at 7:20 and were done by 7:25. Ohmyholyhellitwaslame. Imagine, if you will, hundreds of middle aged housewives in Bite Me T-shirts that are 2 sizes 2 small wandering from booth to booth stocking up on the newest Edward scent of candle wax, Jacob cupcakes, New Moon airbrush tattoos, and Team Edward nametags. They stood in line to enter mall-type photobooths with the Volturi in the background and watch a pimple-faced, big nosed "Edward" play the piano on Stage 2. It really made me physically ill.

Did I mention TMG wasn't performing until 9?

It was quite possibly the most excruciating hour and a half of my life.

At least the TMG rocked!

P.S. Did I also mention I paid $22 bucks to attend this event?

Now that's what I call SERVICE!

2009-11-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in Primary, we did an activity where we all stood around in a big circle and the kids were supposed to pass a bracelet and tell 1. Why they love their families and 2. What they do to serve their families.

Typical primary answers:

"I Wuv my family cuz I Wuv my family. I serve dem by being not mean."

"I love my mom and dad and sister and udder sister and udder sister and brother sorta and I can clean my room."

But my favorite came when it was little Johnny's turn. 6 years old. 2 feet tall. Blond faux hawk.

"I wub my family cuz they do nice things for me."

Prompt from president: "And how can you serve your family, Johnny?"

"I serve dem because I shot a big buck deer wight in da butt for my daddy."

Yep folks. That's true charity right there.

I'm BAAAaaaack...sorta

2009-10-28T18:30:00.000-06:00

SO, you know how you can go on those all-liquid-purge-your-system-of-all-impurities diets? That's kinda what I've been doing. I really got into this blogging thing. And then I overdid it. And I needed a purge. So, for the past few weeks, I have read NO blogs, written NO posts, and just Zenned (is that a word?) for a while. I de-toxed, if you will.

I knew something truly funny had to happen for me to be motivated to write a post. Yet nothing truly funny HAS happened. Have I lost my edge? Is my life REALLY this boring, or have I lost the ability find humor in the mundane?

I mean, there is always stories about my students. But those get old.

Or J or the Bug. But I think I'm the only one who finds those funny.

Hey, here's one for ya! Yesterday, I took my friend to help register her at the college I teach at. She's been out of school for a decade, is naturally nervous about going back, and was excited to start this new program.

We get there and are assigned to an advisor. This is a lady I don't know at all. She is short, pudgy, and wearing a button-up shirt 2 sizes too 2 small...so you know what happens to button-up shirts when they are too small, right? And did I mention she was pudgy? So, avoiding looking at that area of her body, I explained why we were there. Oh, and my friend is a single mom and brought her cute 2 year old along to register.

She was feeding her some snacks when our dear Advisor looks at us with ultimate distain and says, "Actually, can you NOT feed her in MY OFFICE?" My friend graciously put the food away, and as a 2 year old does, she started begging for more. The Advisor rolls her eyes and says "UMmm, do you want to take her OUT and feed her? Then we could try this again." My friend explained that wouldn't be necessary and asked if we could shut the office door to keep her from running away (her little girl, not my friend, though I wouldn't have blamed her at this point. I was close to running myself.) The Advisor then replied "NO. I like it OPEN."

So how do you guys feel about this? I mean, to me, and advisor is the first point of contact when you go back to school. They are supposed to be the students' advocate. Right? Or am I pissed off for no good reason? I mean, I am SERIOUSLY bothered by this woman. To the point where I want to write her boss a letter and put my own job on the line.

What say all ye? (Or all ye who didn't abandon me during my detox).

Hiatus

2009-10-03T23:32:00.003-06:00

So....since I started blogging, I have enjoyed it. I started out with our private family blog, and I loved giving updates on my Bug. But I felt like I had so much more to say, so I decided to start a public blog, keeping private details well, private. And I have enjoyed it.

But recently, it has kinda felt like a chore. And I don't need any more chores. I have felt like I need to post a minimum of like 4 times per week, and each post needed to be on something funny or interesting. Otherwise no one would read.

But I have now decided I don't care. I am going to write when I feel like it. It might be once a week. It might be once a month. It might be funny. It might be boring. It might be random pictures of the Bug. But that is what makes me happy. And I hope you will all still read. And I will read yours when I am in a reading mood. And I will comment when I feel like commenting. No more obligations. No more commenting so you will come comment on my blog. It is waaaaay too exhausting! And I love to write. And read. I want it to stay fun!

On my backpacking trip last weekend, I was in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the stars to stare at after dark. No electricity. No fires allowed. My backpacking tent has a mesh top and sides, and for the first time, I saw the Milky Way. I never knew that you could actually SEE it! It was awesome. And as I lay in my sleeping back, feeling every rock and every red ant crawling under me, I felt RELIEF. I couldn't blog. I couldn't facebook. I didn't HAVE to. I could lay there and listen to MoTab on my ipod and just stare at the stars until I fell asleep. And I loved it. I came home after a few days to a snotty-nosed, clingy toddler. And I loved it. And I need to spend all my home time with him. Which I am actually really good at. But when I am at work, I miss reading the news. And working on my novels (yes, call me Earnest Hemingway. I'm the psycho, silent writer-type). And, well....working.

So, I hope you all understand. And don't worry, I'm not going to stop! I'm just not scheduling my online life anymore. And for a while, I think I will be on Hiatus. I need a little detox.

Until then, here are some pictures from my trip. It was beautiful. And there were no other people. Just us. (P.S., I couldn't figure out how to stick the slideshow in this post, so scroll down to the previous post to see them!)

2009-10-03T23:31:00.000-06:00

Guilt

2009-10-01T06:00:00.001-06:00

So, as you all are probably aware, my new favoritest thing to do is MamaKat's Writers Workshop on Thursdays. It takes all the hard work out of blogging! She actually TELLS us what to write about! Now if I could make her narrow it down to 1 instead of 5 optional prompts, that would be even better.

Today, I have chosen to write on: What are you feeling guilty about?

I mean, c'mon people. This one is great. The better questions would be, What AREN'T I feeling guilty about?

After I had the Bug, my anxiety/depression multiplied. Much of this had to do with the inpending doom that I would soon have to, GASP, return to work and leave my poor, helpless little baby in the hands of Who The Hell Knows. So, I took a visit to my doc and laid out my problems. Between sobs and snot-runs, I asked if she could please give me something to make me not feel guilty anymore. She smiled and gave me the best advice I have ever had.

"Betty, you know, when they yank the placenta out, it leaves a big hole. Somethings gotta fill it. This is where the guilt sets in. We learn to live with it."

That makes SO MUCH SENSE! So, I left with double the prozac dose and a whole new outlook on life. Instead of wallowing in my guilt, I would embrace it! I am really loving top 10 lists lately, because it makes me shut up at a pre-determined point. So, here you have it:

Top Ten Things I Feel Guilty About
(at any given moment in time, these could change...or go away completely...I'm kinda a schitzo)

10. Stealing all the milk bottles from Winder Dairy
9.   Lying in bed for up to an hour while my kid is clearly awake
8.   All 3 bathrooms are dirty, and all 3 bathroom garbages are liner-free, so all the gook sticks to the sides and I never clean it off.
7.   I have a glass in my dishwasher that has been there for 4 months. It won't get clean. And I refuse to wash it by hand.
6.   Hiding in the bathroom at work for 45 minutes yesterday so I wouldn't have to deal with a certain student.
5.   Leaving my toddler to go to work today.
4.   Enjoying my job and adult time away from home.
3.   Telling my World Civ professor that I had mono so she would let me make up all the work I missed for 5 weeks, when I was actually just sitting in the commons reading Jane Eyre...yes, this was like 7 years ago, and yes, I still have guilt.
2.   Eating 2 pieces of another instructor's birthday cake tonight.

And the number 1 thing I feel really guilty about right now is....

1. I am going back for a third piece right now.

Teenybopper Tuesday #5...the Late Edition

2009-09-29T18:12:00.002-06:00

I am swamped at work. My coworkers don't feel the need to do their jobs, so it has fallen on me to completely redesign our curriculum. And it sucks. Royally.

But, here is your TeenyBopper Tuesday.

Remember TBoy? A.K.A. "The One Who Got Away" Well, he's back with more fun for you all.

Betty
Howz it going? I'm doing good but French is confusing? (next to this he drew a confused face and wrote "confused guy" next to it). Anyways, I had food poisoning last year from raw meat. It was pretty stupid because I was making chicken I think and I licked my fingers. DOH!

I need to pay more attention to French. This note is quick! Fast I mean. Me and Glen are bugging Mandy. Well gotta write stuff.

TBoy

P.S. Look! (pointing to his signature. yes, Tboy is very original. I'm proud of you.)

Bottom of note:

Hey hows it going? So your freind likes my friend. Wait he's not my friend. Just kidding. BYE!

GLEN

Ok, I'm swamped so I'm letting this one stand on it's own two feet. Not too much commentary here. He's a genius, isn't he? I think I'm falling in love all over again.

Harrumpfff

2009-09-28T19:35:00.001-06:00

So I'm a little blogged out. I can't think of anything witty to say. I am at work so I have no pictures from my trip. And I had to sub for another instructor so I have been here way too long and am really pissy. So, you all are going to have to settle for a top 10 list.

The Top 10 Things I Learned on My First Backpacking Trip

1. When they say it is only a 1000 ft. descent into the canyon, they forget to mention that it is also then a 1000 ft. ascent, should you ever want to get out.
2. Tevas do not make good hiking boots, especially when hauling half your body weight over a lunarscape.
3. Hiking in sand sucks.
4. Backpacking sleeping pads are meant to be blown up, and this is best discovered BEFORE the morning you are breaking camp.
5. Mosquitos like B positive.
6. There are places in this world where you can still see the Milky Way. And I'm not talking about Maverick.
7. Quicksand is real.
8. Deserts can get really hot. Then really cold.
9. Getting to the U of U Football game is much more important than feeding hungry backpackers who haven't had anything but GORP and oatmeal for 3 days.
10. I absolutely love it and can't wait to go again!

SUPER BETTY!

2009-09-24T06:00:00.002-06:00

I was so excited for this week's Writer's Workshop topic from MamaKat. This is because the topic is one J and I had a ~~intense, I'm-sleeping-on-the-couch argument~~ very serious discussion about no more than a fort-night ago (yes, we are geeks)...

The prompt:

If you were a super hero, what would your super power be and why?

First, let me say what it wouldn't be, J. I most definitely would NOT pick X-Ray vision. Why? Because I'm not a freaking perv, that's why. Is this seriously at the top of EVERY man's wish list? I mean, he didn't even THINK about his answer. It was like, at the forefront of his brain, ready to tumble out of his mouth the instant someone finally asked him the one question that would let him express his innermost desire

me: "J, if you were a super hero, what would your super power be and wh..."

J: X-RAY VISION!!!

me: "AND WHY?"

J: Uh, it would be cool to see through....walls

MMmmmmmhmmmmm. That's what I thought.

But I digress.

This post is about ME, ME, ME and what MY Super Power would be. And Why.

And MY Super Power would be.......Speeding through time WITHOUT actually speeding up time!

Now, you may be thinking "what a lame waste of a Super Power! What the hell do you mean, anyway?"

I will explain. Imagine a world where you could get up at 8 a.m., snap your fingers, and be all showered, dressed, breakfast eaten, REMEMBER doing all these things, but still have it be 8 a.m. so you still have the whole day ahead of you! Have I convinced you yet? If not, consider these situations where this tool might come in handy.

1. Pregnancy

2. Sex

3. Parent-teacher conferences (and this from the teacher's point of view...I imagine it would be good for parents too...)

4. NASCAR season (that one's for you Chief)

5. Watching the Biggest Loser

6. Dinner at the in-laws (some of you might use this but of course, I never ever would)

7. Labor and Childbirth

8. Fights you are not going to win (cuz you wouldn't want to miss the ones you do)

9. The morning commute

10. The drive across Nevada on the way to Disneyland

Now, c'mon. Tell me this isn't the coolest superpower EV-AR! What about you, my blog-stalking friends? Which situtations would YOU use this fabulous super power in? I will feature my 3 favorite comments when I get back from backpacking through the middle of nowhere on Saturday. Or Sunday. I might need to recover. Ok, maybe Monday.

A little laugh

2009-09-23T06:00:00.001-06:00

I am super busy getting ready for the 3-day-backpacking-trip-that-will-surely-end-my-life, but I really wanted to post this. Because I really want to sit back here and curl up under my desk, doubled over, while I laugh so hard I pee my pants. But I can't. I'm "the professor." I have to be dignified. And so I will share it all with you so you can laugh for me as you read it.

We have a course that teaches students all about how to behave in the workplace. Thrilling, huh? Believe me, they need it. I can't tell you how many times a student will complete a mock interview with me, and when I ask them why they want a job at my company, they say "Cuz of the discount."

Anyway, they complete a workbook along with the course. Then I grade the workbook. Pretty exciting stuff. Not really, actually. Until today.

Today I finally graded a workbook that made my whole day. In fact, it may have made my whole year worthwhile.

The question reads:

Sasha started work as a secretary in a large office about four weeks ago. Today, she came into work wearing a short skirt that is quite revealing when she sits down. She has on so much perfume that you can smell it 20 feet away. Her nails are very long and painted purple, to match her eye shadow and her dress. Her lipstick is also purple. She is wearing spiked heels and black mesh stockings.

1. What is your first reaction when you see Sasha?

My student, a young man with shaggy hair and engine grease under his fingernails, had 4 lines on which to form his response. He filled all 4 lines. With one giant word.

SKANK!

I gave him an A+

Teenybopper Tuesday #4

2009-09-22T08:57:00.000-06:00

Alright, I can't believe it is already Tuesday! Today I have chosen to fast forward a bit...out of Jr. High for a moment (thank all that is good and holy) and into Sophmore year. This is a time I would really love to forget, yet I can't.

So does everyone remember Matt? He was my main crush in 9th grade. He was also my first kiss (AWWWWW). And over the summer before 10th grade, we "hung out" a lot. He lived close and would come over and we would sit and talk on the porch for hours. I would make us salads. Since I wasn't 16 yet, and couldn't technically date, we would all go out as groups. Our parents had to drive us everywhere, of course, but still. We were totally TOGETHER. Ok? Like we were GOING OUT. Everyone knew this, right? It just hadn't been vocalized per say...

So, enter 10th grade. Matt turns 16, but I was still 15. So his parents let him date. And mine didn't. And it is the big welcome STOMP (dance that you don't have a date for). So I went with my girlfriends. I hadn't seen Matt for a few weeks. The end of the summer was busy with trips and back to school shopping, so I didn't really think much of it. My friends and I were sitting on the bleachers, talking, when who should I see walk in? Matt. And he isn't alone. GASP. Apparently he didn't want to wait for me to turn 16. So he went and found a JUNIOR. And his arm was around her shoulders.

After seeing this, I FLEW out of the gym toward my locker. There was no way I was going to sit and watch that discusting spectacle. And as I neared the pay phones (I had to call for a ride home, of course), there he was. Without a word, he handed me this NOTE and walked away. Ok, people. Notes were fine for Jr. High. But this is high school. And that isn't even the best part. Wait til you read The Note. After I read the note, I sat down in the hall and I responded on the same page (see Red writing). Then I crumpled it up and shoved it in his gym locker (yes, I went into the boys locker room).

Betty,

I don't know how to say this. The words just won't come to me. So I have found a song that expresses my feelings the way my words never could. (Are you throwing up in your mouth yet? I was.)

We both know that I shouldn't be here (we do?)

This is wrong (huh?)

And baby it's killing me, it's killing you (you looked fine to me)

Both of us trying to be strong (um, I'm not. I'm freakin pissed)

I've got somewhere else to be (yeah, nursery school)

Promises to keep (got that curfew and everything)

Someone else who loves me (your mom)

And trusts me fast asleep (see above)

I've made up my mind (I don't think your mind had much say in this...think lower)

There is no turning back

She's been good to me (for 2 whole weeks?)

And she deserves better than that (I'll show her what she deserves)

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don't love you (well, you DIDN'T look me in the eye, you rat bastard, you wrote me a friggin note!)

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie (yeah, you're really good at that)

To show no emotion when you start to cry (I ain't cryin. I'm pissed)

I can't let you see what you mean to me (about as much as your pet hampster who you let die while you were in Fiji over the summer, obviously)

When my hands are tied and my heart's not free (oh, so she's a Dominatrix...that explains a lot)

We're not meant to be (nope, this note is definite evidence of that)

It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do

To turn around and walk away

Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again (yeah, in 3rd period gym)

Fate has a place and time (gym is fatal)

So you can get on with your life (you are a moron)

I've got to be cruel to be kind (and you're really messed up if you think this is cruel or kind...it's just weird)

Like Dr. Zhivago (you don't even know who that is, moron)

All my love I'll be sending (don't bother)

And you will never know cuz

There can be no happy ending (yeah there can, when I shove my pencil up your @ss)

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don't love you

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie

To show no emotion when you start to cry (once again, NOT CRYING. Cocky, much?)

Maybe another time, another day (I hope not, I'll bust a cap in your @ss)

As much as I want to, I can't stay (good, leave me alone)

(Ooh) (yes, he really did put in the Ooooohs)

I've made up my mind

There is no turning back

She's been good to me

And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don't love you

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie

To show no emotion when you start to cry

(FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME I AM NOT CRYING. I HATE YOUR FREAKING GUTS AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. AND THIS NOTE IS THE STUPIDEST FORM OF COMMUNICATION I HAVE EVER SEEN.)

I don't want to live a lie

What can I do (This make no sense, Matt. You are a moron. Leave me alone.)

Love always,

Matt

P.S. MATT, YOU ARE REALLY STUPID AND I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO TINA WHEN SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE A DUMBASS.

He was kind enough to return The Note the next day in gym. He had uncrumpled it as much as possible and wrote at the top in purple crayon:

I'm sorry. Don't hate me please.

Oh Matt. I don't hate you. You just gave me the greatest blogging material ever.

What Happened to Miguel?

2009-09-20T16:02:00.000-06:00

As everyone knows, I want to be JUST like my big sister, Chief. (At least that is what I tell her so she doesn't have to take as many meds). Today she started Serious Sundays, and while I am probably not going to stick to any particular day, I have decided to do something I have been thinking about a lot lately, and that is...gasp...post something that maybe isn't funny once in a while. Just because it's important to me.

As some of you may know, I have my application in for a PhD program at a local University. We had to write a personal statement letting them know why we were interested in the program. As I was writing mine, I thought, "This would be really cool to post on my blog, so people can get to know me a little better," but I didn't know if I had to stick to the status quo and be "funny" all the time. So, this is me too...just a little different side of me.

What Happened to Miguel?

While teaching in the capacity of a Title I reading specialist, I encountered a student named Miguel. Miguel was 11 years old at the time; young, rambunctious, disruptive, and inquisitive. During a guided reading lesson one day, Miguel’s head popped up and he asked me, “Mrs. B, didn’t you go to college?”

“Yes, Miguel, I did.”

“Didn’t you go to like, extra college?”

“Yep, I got my Master’s degree a few years ago.”

To this, he scrunched up his face and replied, “Couldn’t you get, like, a better job

then?” The group laughed, and I smiled and shook my head.

What I wanted to do was stand up on the desk and shout, “There is no better job, Miguel! I have the greatest, most important job in the entire world. Don’t you see? I get to shape your minds, direct you, guide you, and triumph with you!” As a second year teacher, I was filled with excitement and idealism, and the real belief that anyone can succeed, no matter their circumstances. To me, it didn’t matter that Miguel was a second generation Latino from a rough area. It didn’t matter that his older brothers embraced gang life and his father was in prison. His mom worked three jobs and he went home each day to an empty house, but this didn’t seem relevant either. He had me, and hoards of other teachers who cared about his success. Surely that was enough to overcome any obstacle!

A few weeks later, Miguel failed to show up for school one morning. Nor did he come the following day. When I inquired at the front office, our administrative assistant informed me that Miguel had been withdrawn from school by his mother and wouldn’t be coming back. She was very sorry, but there was no other information available. Absolutely deflated, I wandered back to my classroom with one question in my mind. What would happen to Miguel? This is the same question that brings me to this point in my life, as I am applying to the Department of Educational Psychology to complete a PhD in Learning and Cognition. What happens to students like Miguel?

This question began to weigh on my mind even more as I began a new job as adjunct faculty at a local college. I was both surprised and humbled by the students I encountered here. They were, in a sense, Miguel, a few years down the road. Very similar backgrounds as children, most were still considered English Language Learners. Most are in their late 30s to early 40s. They sign up for night classes and come directly from work, still wearing their fast food uniforms or construction dust. And they work hard. Harder than I worked as an undergrad, that’s for sure. They are working toward certificates in areas such as Customer Service Rep or Accounting Clerk. And when my students earn these certificates, you would think they had just received an honorary doctorate from Harvard. But for me, this didn’t answer my question. It evolved it. What happened to Miguel between fifth grade and now? Did he graduate high school? What skills did he have? Was he given every available opportunity to attend college? Did he have the same opportunities as I did, being a Christian White Female from Utah? Looking at my students now, I very much doubt it.

These questions and a lifelong dream of completing a PhD brought me to this program. It is such a unique combination of educational and sociological perspectives that fit in with my goals and objectives so completely, I feel like the program was made for me. Or I was made for the program.

In studying the relationships between cultural, ethnic, and racial bias in education, I hope to begin to answer these questions that weigh on my mind. And I want to act on the knowledge I gain. This program will enable me to explore these topics, delve into the deeper historical roots of discrimination, be it intentional or not, and figure out where the clog in the artery of education is. And remove it. I love teaching. I hope to always teach, be it in the public schools, at the community college, or at a large University where I can educate the next generation about these important topics. Though it is cliché, it rings true: Education is the Key. But to expand, I believe Education for Everyone is the Key. How much talent, how many inventions, how many researchers, doctors, writers, and visionaries are we as a nation missing out on because we have not made this mantra our priority? Where is the disconnect? My main goal for entering and completing this PhD program is to find out the answer to one question: What happened to Miguel? And make sure he doesn’t slip through the cracks again.

Thank you for considering me as a candidate for a PhD in Learning and Cognition. I hope I have conveyed my dedication to education, my desire to improve upon our current system, and my resolve to complete this important work.

And the Winner Is....

2009-09-19T09:26:00.000-06:00

Melinda Arnold! Woohooo!

Melinda, hopefully you are faithfully stalking my blog! I will give you until Monday at noon (MST) to claim your prize! Just leave a comment here :)

If I don't hear from Melinda, I will have random.org select a new winner :)

Last Chance, Farts, and My First Award!

2009-09-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

So, I have been wanting to share this little gem for a while now, and I think this is the perfect filler for this post, since I don't know that it warrants a post all by itself. Or maybe it does. You decide.

So, I'm at work, and I've only been with this college a few months now right? I needed to talk to one of the BigWigs about something, so I headed up to where the BigWigs live to find her office. We've never really talked, so I was a little nervous (even though all I needed to know was where to get official campus letterhead). As I approached her office, the door was open and I could see her working at her desk, so I gave the quick little "knock-knock" as I started to walk in. She looks up, cool as a cucumber in her 3 piece Prada suit and says very politely,

"I just farted so you might want to wait a minute before you come in."

I don't think I need to say anything else about this.

On to other news...

I am so so so excited right now! I have received my first blog award, from Ju!

Zombie Chicken Award

“The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all.”

Ok, then, I better get awarding. With everything else I have to deal with (AHEM, Oscar), I really don't nead a hoard of zombie chickens chasing my butt all around the house.

I nominate the following blogs, all because they make me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants.......

HalfAsstic

One Brick Shy

Herding Cats

Confessions of a Reforming Geek

How Could You Not!?

And FINALLY, please remember to enter my Giveaway to make me feel happy inside! You have until midnight tonight (Friday) to enter. Midnight my time. Like Mountain Standard Time. Not British Big Ben Time or New York Times Square Time or whatever.

I'll announce the winner tomorrow.

If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

2009-09-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

So I have decided to give Writer's Workshop a try (from Mama's Losin' It). I love promps. And the one I have chosen for today is: If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

If Oscar could talk, I would want to know....well, first of all, if Oscar could talk, then he'd be a helluva lot more use than he is now and maybe I wouldn't wish every day that ~~he would get hit by a car~~ we had never got a dog. But I digress...

If Oscar could talk, I would want to know why the concept of a doggie door is so foreign. People use people doors. Chickens use chicken doors. ~~Midgets~~ Little People use Little People doors (has anyone here ever been to Hobbitville in downtown SL? Fabulous fun!) And OTHER dogs use doggie doors. Why not you? What sort of elitist propoganda have you been exposed to that would make you feel as if you are SO above doggie doors that you absolutely MUST have a ~~slave~~ human physically OPEN the human door for you to go relieve yourself on my lawn? And why is it that this always happens to occur when I have just sat my fat arse down on the couch with my laptop, or when we have just fallen asleep at night. OH or my favorite, at like 2 a.m., so then you wake up the Bug too so we can just all be awake. Like one big party! Except it's not a fun party. It's like the kind of birthday party your mom makes you go to so that the wet-the-bed-smells-like-urine kid doesn't get their feelings hurt.

Another question: What exactly are you hoping to accomplish by barking at every moving (or unmoving, for that matter) object that comes into your line of sight through the living room window? Like, do you think you are scaring the rotweiller? You. Are. A. Shih. Tzu. You. Weigh. Less. Than. My. Foot. All you really accomplish is waking up the Bug from his nap, which then causes me to throw a full bottle of Dasani at you while screaming "YOU STUPID DUMB A$$ DOG! I HATE YOU!", which only makes you yelp louder, waking him up even MORE (if that is possible).

One thing I have really been wondering lately...How does your own barf taste? Cuz it seems to be your favorite food. It must be really nummy. I mean, I don't really care, it saves me from having to clean it up myself, but it just really doesn't sound that appetizing coming up. Maybe it's better going back down.

And while we are on the subject, what is the purpose of jumping in the bathtub 20 times a day (which you are then stuck in because you are too dumb to get out)? I mean, I understand the whole "I need a drink and am too lazy to go downstairs to get one" concept. That's totally cool. But what about when you just jump in and start bawling to get out. Do you have some sort of complex? Do I need to get you medicated? Cuz you look really dumb when you do it, especially when there is still bathwater in the tub and you are paddling around frantically, trying not to drown because you didn't look before you leaped. One of these times you are going to solve all my problems when you do this and I am not around to pull your I-look-like-a-drowned-rat carcass out.

If Oscar could talk, these are just a few things I would like to ask him.

Thank you for listening.

My first tag!

2009-09-16T06:00:00.001-06:00

So, I feel so popular! My friend Ju tagged me, so here I go!

We have to answers 35 questions with one word answers for each question.

Then pass it on to seven friends.

Here are my answers and I tag.... anyone who likes doing tags! (Sorry, I know that sounds like a politician's answer...I just want to make everyone happy!)

Let me know when you have posted your answers so I can grin and giggle.

All you need to do is copy and paste and change to your answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Your hair? -Short

3. Your mother? -Friend

4. Your father? -Smart

5. Your favorite food? -Italian

6. Your dream last night? -Forgotten

7. Your favorite drink? -Water

8. Your dream/goal? -Justice

9. What room are you in? -Classroom

10. Your hobby? -Digiscrapping

11. Your fear? -Losing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? -PhD

13. Where were you last night? -Home

14. Something that you aren’t? - Neatfreak

15. Muffins? -Costco

16. Wish list item? -Bosch

17. Where did you grow up? -Utah

18. Last thing you did? -Taught

19. What are you wearing? -Professional

20. Your TV? -New

21. Your pets? -Husband's

22. Friends? -Lifesavers

23. Your life? -Pliable

24. Your mood? -Lonely

25. Missing someone? -Family

26. Vehicle? -CRV

27. Something you’re not wearing? - Watch

28. Your favorite store? -Nordstrom

29. Your favorite color? -Pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? -Bug

31. Last time you cried? -Reading

32. Your best friend? -Mom

33. One place that I go to over and over? -Walmart

34. One person who emails me regularly? -Students

35. Favorite place to eat?-Carinos

Teenybopper Tuesday #3

2009-09-15T06:00:00.004-06:00

Today's post is brought to you courtesy of TBoy. Who is TBoy, you might ask? TBoy is one of my many 9th grade crushes. Remember Daisy? Well, Daisy also had a thing for TBoy at this time. But she said she didn't care. That it was ok we both liked him. But secretly, we wanted to rip each other's throats out with scrapbooking scissors.

TommyBoy and I exchanged notes, whereas Daisy was too chicken. Watch how he slyly tries to get me to profess my love. And become enthralled in the thrilling conversational topics of 14-year-old boys.

Betty,

Howz it going. I'm writing this very fast. Here goes Mrs. Jarom again. Oh well. I can't think what to write but I hafto. j/k (Who WOULDN'T be madly in love with someone with conversational skills of this cailber?)

Anyways, did you do your halloween poem. Mines kindof weird. You'll hear it in 4th. I used my mom's fancy shmancy scisors. I'm kina tired about learning about population! It's kinda weird! Did you know that most people of the world are farmers? Very Very interesting. (What an ASTUTE observation, TBoy!)

Anyways (getting to the point, finally), Tina kept asking me if I liked you and she said that you liked me alot but I knew she was lying so I just confused her. Hee hee hee. (Heart pounding, blood boiling, COULD IT BE TRUE? Did Tina really reveal my deepest darkest secret to the one person who matters to me in this life?)

Gotta Go C-ya

TBoy

P.S. Don't forget to enter my first ever giveaway!!!

My First Give-Away!!!

2009-09-14T06:00:00.006-06:00

In an unabashed attempt to get as many followers as Chief, I am doing my first ever giveaway!

What am I giving away?

Well, the winner will get their choice of either:

A custom-designed, 2-page 12x12 scrapbook spread

OR

A custom-designed 20 x 30 Wall Print (poster)

Basically, the winner will email me the pictures they would like me to use, tell me a little about the photos (for a scrapbook layout), tell me the color scheme they would like (for the Wall Print), and I will digitally create the page(s) and save as a JPG file to be mailed to you on CD (to get the highest resolution) where you can print it at Costco or online at Shutterfly, or wherever you choose.

Some examples of digital scrapbook pages I have done:

And this is an example of a wall print...only imagine it printed the size of a poster (20x30 in). They are fabulous because you don't need a matte, or a fancy frame, just a cheap poster frame if anything...and Costco prints them for less than $15. I can make them to fit a certain theme (i.e. a kid's bedroom theme) or color scheme (think black and pink velvet...that's hot).

So, now you are intrigued, right? Entering is very, very, very simple!

This contest runs from Monday, September 14th through Friday, September 18th. You can get your name entered up to 3 times! Then, at exactly 9:00 a.m. on September 19th, random.org will select our winner!

3 ways to enter:

1. Become a follower of My Life in a Multi-Level! All followers will have one entry. This is a Required entry. So, if you don't follow, you don't get any of the other entries either. Sorry, just my way of making sure I look popular.

2. Leave a comment on this post telling me which choice you would pick if you win and why. This gets you another entry!

3. Post on your blog, facebook, or Twitter, telling folks about my giveaway and linking back to this page. Then leave me a comment telling me which one you did! That's a 3rd entry!

It's that simple. So, go on, help me beat Chief and get more followers than her! It will really piss her off. Thanks!

Hot Flash

2009-09-11T06:00:00.001-06:00

I have been Hot for 2 days straight now. Not hot like "Wow, I am smokin'" or "Wow, it is really hot outside, think I'll have a popsicle and take a dip in the pool." Like internally-every-fiber-of-my-being-is-buring-up Hot.  Like nothing-can-cool-me-down-not-even-a-bath-in-liquid-nitrogen Hot. I have never had this odd sensation before. So, I asked FNF, who happens to be a nurse. "Sounds like a hot flash," she said. "Didn't you just get your IUD out? The hormone inbalance is probably messing you up." Oh, yeah, I DID just get that out...(but that's another post for another day).

But Still...A Hot Flash?  My mom has hot flashes.  And she's slightly older than me. And has grandkids. A lot of them. I think Chief has hot flashes. But she's way older than me too, as far as siblings go.  Chief, do you have hot flashes?  Because of these, I typically associate Hot Flashes with one thing:  menopausal cranky old women.

So it couldn't possible be a hot flash could it? And hot flashes don't last for 2 frickin days either.

Like, Wednesday night, we were having our monthly Girl's Night, and I still had my super-cute-paid-way-too-much-but-makes-me-look-skinnier-than-I-actually-am dress on from work. So, when we all sat on the ground to play a spirited round of Whonoo, I of course tucked my legs under my arse like a true lady. But I was so. damn. hot. So of course, sweat is just oozing down my legs from the crevice behind my knees. And my armpits were soaked. And my feet were slick. And my pancreas and kidneys were on fire. And all I wanted to do was jump up, turn on the hose, strip down naked and yell, "Girls Gone Wild!" and see if anyone would join me. However, this group is moderately conservative (understatement) and I didn't think it would go over too well.
Then today, I'm on campus, just got here, and I have a new student. He's what we call "sponsored." So, someone is paying for him to be here. Cool, whatever, fine, I have a lot of students like that. But I am sweating like a pig, my feet are as swollen as when I delivered the Bug so I am walking around campus barefoot, and I am not in the mood to deal with anything out of the ordinary. And he is out of the ordinary. 50ish, LOOoooong gray hair, button-up shirt that really needs to be buttoned-up more...showing off more LOOoooong gray hair, LOOoooong nasty fingernails and a pack of Marlboros in his shirt pocket. Great. So, I get him all set up, and start trying to get him caught up. And he starts talking. And doesn't. stop. talking. All. Night. Long.

Come to find out, he hasn't been able to talk to anyone who cares what he is saying for a really long time. I found this out after he asked me to please send his progress reports to his parole officer. Did I mention that sweat was dripping down my face the entire time I was trying to deal with this? So, he finally stops talking long enough to ask me, "So, how do I turn this thing on?" He pointed at the computer. I excused myself politely. I went to the bathroom, shut myself in a stall, and began kicking the stall door while screaming "I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS $(*)*($$)*!!!!"  And I'm still Hot. And the kicking and screaming makes me more Hot.

And then I realize that being overly Hot isn't the only thing this hormone inbalance has jacked up. And I contemplate driving back over to the Dr.'s office and dumpster diving until I find the contraption and demand that it be put back.

But I went back to my classroom. I showed Hairy Hal how to turn on the computer. I poured water down my back. And now I am typing this. And praying that I never get old and experience menopause.

So....what you're saying is??? (And SYB is DONE!)

2009-09-09T06:00:00.003-06:00

I survived the Squeeze Your Buttcheeks Challenge! However, it doesn't look like ANYONE survived with me. Yes, some of you started. But it looks like no one was woman enough to outlast the holiday weekend. Fine with me. I don't have to ship prizes. If I am wrong, and you DID indeed complete the challenge, post your results.

Being a working Mormon mom in Utah, I get a lot of unsolicited advice and inquiry from well-meaning friends and neighbors. Most are ideas about how I could quit and stay home with my kid. Some recent ones:

Could you sell your house?
J could get like, a night job right?
Have you ever heard of Melaleuca? How about Pampered Chef? OOooh, or Scentsy?
Have you prayed about it?

My absolute FAVORITE, though? This one is classic, and so well-phrased. I seriously hear some version of this "well-meaning" comment at least once a week. The conversation usually goes something like this:

SAHM: So, Betty, what do you do? Do you get to stay home with the Bug?
Me: I am actually an adjunct professor at the community college, teaching in the late afternoons and evenings. I work about 18 hours a week. I am with the Bug most of the day.
SAHM, trying her best to look envious: That is SO great that you can do that! I could never leave _______(insert odd Utah name like Nephi or MacKenzzziey here).

Translation: You are such a sh!ty parent. I am so much better than you. I am much more emotionally attached to MY child than you could EVER be to yours. Obviously, because if you were really a good mother (like me), your ingrained motherly instincts would kick in and 50 lb. chains would grow around you, making sure you could never succomb to the evil temptation of WORKING outside the home. Even if your family would starve. Even if you would go insane. Your poor child. Too bad he didn't come down to my family.

Or, the short translation: I love my kid more than you love yours.

Most of the time, I can just smile and say, "Yeah, I really enjoy it!"

But not today.

No, today I lost it. Today, instead of letting it roll off my back, I responded the way I have wanted to respond so many times.

"Yep, it is SO great, isn't it? I am SO glad that I am secure enough as a mother that I know that the time I spend with my son is quality time. I am SO glad that I have obtained enough education that if my family needs extra money, I don't have to work at PayCheck City or sell stinky candle wax. I am SO glad my son can see that an education really pays off and he can be proud of his parents. I am SO glad that I have a job that allows me to be home with my son the majority of the time. And I am SO glad that YOU think it is SO great, because I am really the kind of person who needs to be validated by women who watch their husbands work 4 jobs while they sit at home like a princess and watch soap operas while their kids play outside, after returning from Walmart where they used all their food stamps to buy Doritos and Oreos."

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great when women are involved, caring, SAHMs. It is our most important job. But seriously? Some women have to work. Some women choose to work. It is up to every woman to choose. This holier-than-thou craptasticness has Got. To. Stop. Before I end up on Oprah or Ricky Lake or some other fabulous waste of airtime.

TeenyBopper Tuesday

2009-09-08T10:46:00.001-06:00

And now, for another edition of:

Background: This is a note written in 8th grade by "Tami." Tami had a crush on Damon. Also going on at this time? My "friends" had taken a picture of me when I first woke up at a sleepover and threatened to give it to this crush. So, Tami was doing a little reconaissance for me.

2: Betty's I's ONLY!

4M: Tami

Don't Show Anyone!

Betty-

Hey Cutie! Hows it going? So...who do you like? Is your email working yet? OK you wanna know something about Ramona? Well, she said she doesn't have the pictures & she doesn't know who has it, whether shes telling the truth or not, I don't know, But that what "Ramona said!!" (She had it in her locker, little Bizzle.) You wanna know something about Damon? Well, you can't tell anyone!! Daisy doesn't know, Izzy doesn't know, no one knows but me & Damon (unless he told someone else) But don't tell anyone cause I'm not supposed to tell you!! Well, he liked you. (OMG, how gross is that. I really HOPE he didn't tell anyone else.) He kept asking me for your email address. He said "he would like to get to know you better"! I don't know if he still likes you cause he has a boyfriend (I think she meant girlfriend here, but you never know with Damon.) Don't tell anyone -k-? (Uh, I think you already told me this THREE times. Why would I want to spread this disgusting news around the school?) OK- I have a question for you, who do you think I would make a cute couple with? Tell me really what you think! Then I'll tell you! (What she really meant was you better say Damon or I'll give you a knuckle sandwich) What do you want for Christmas? (Uh, for you to never tell another soul that disgusting Damon had a crush on me)

Luvs and Hugs!

Tami

P.S. Write Back Soon

SYB Day 6

2009-09-08T06:00:00.002-06:00

So I have almost made it. One more day to go. It's a good thing I didn't go anywhere this weekend. That would have sucked. Anyway, I didn't buy a single thing today. I feel sort of depressed and poor. Which is funny. I feel like I have more money when I am spending it.

We went to the in-laws for dinner tonight. And after this post, I had Bug taste test all my food before eating it. And I made sure M-in-L saw him doing this. I figure she would never poison him. Just me. But we all survived.

As we drove back up from Utah County this evening, I was bombarded with the assortment of billboards on the side of I-15. And as I sat there, I got more and more depressed.

The first one looked like this.

As soon as I see ads like this, I start feeling guilty. Guilty that I hate church movies. Guilty that I like Coke. Really Guilty about not being a Pioneer.

As we continued down the freeway, this one came into view:

WE SUCK....FAT!

Get rid of that muffin top with Liposuction!

At this point, I quickly look over at J to see if he has noticed this one. Because I know what he is thinking. "Wow, how did they get a picture of my wife's midsection?" Yes, I have a muffin top. YES, it is gross. YES, I DID GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR SON! I gave him a dirty look. He looked confused. Smart move, J, smart move. I sucked in my belly, pulled up my pants and continued looking out the window.

Just in time for this beauty:

LASER HAIR REMOVAL: YOU DESERVE IT!

Most days, I shower in under 30 seconds. Because the Bug is running loose in my room. And pulling all my socks and underwear out of drawers. And wearing it on his head while unrolling the toilet paper as fast as he can. He can accomplish a lot in 30 seconds. So, NO, ok, I DON'T shave my pits every day. Or other parts. Does that make me a bad wife? Probably. Now I am ashamed. I pull my legs up on the seat and check under my shirt. Yep, hairy pits today.

An ad for this place really made me feel good about myself:

LOSE those extra POUNDS, for less than $1 a day!!!

Working out sucks. And it makes my legs hurt. So I have a muffin top. And workout clothes accentuate my muffin top. And I'm weak. So I rarely do it.

At this point, I really feel like just jumping out of the car right then and there. I mean, I am completely worthless right? J is oblivious.

But the cherry on top? The straw that broke the camel's back? This one:

Upon seeing this, I broke down and cried, "J, I am a HORRIBLE, AWFUL, NO-GOOD human being and a Terrible Mormon! I don't even write to the freakin missionaries!"

J then reminded me that we don't really personally know any missionaries out right now. But that doesn't matter. What about the orphans who go on missions? Two years without hearing from anyone. They need letters too! And I could be writing them.

I have decided that I hate billboards. And I am going to go change them all in the middle of the night to this one I designed myself.

MUFFIN TOPS + HAIRY CRACK = SEXY

AND DON'T LET THEM TELL YOU OTHERWISE

P.S. GO HAVE A COKE.

SYB Day 5

2009-09-07T09:42:00.000-06:00

It's been weird having J home for 3 days this weekend. This morning we slept in until 9. I started hearing the Bug around 8. But he was just talking and playing. Is that a bad mom thing to do? I mean, I figure, I like to lay in bed and wake up for a while. Why wouldn't he?

When we finally got up and wandered downstairs, we have the following conversation:

J: What you making for breakfast?
Me: Bug and I usually have cereal or oatmeal.
J: But I like a Made breakfast
Me: I could make you cereal.
J: My mom always made hot breakfast.
Me: I could put your cereal in the microwave.
J wanders over to the pan of Rice Krispy Treats I made last night, cutting himself a square as big as Godzilla's hand.
Me: Uh, that's not a good breakfast.
J, taking a huge bite: Why not? You said you guys have cereal. This is just a mixture of Rice Krispy's and Marshmallow Mateys.
...
...
...
In other news, so far so good on SYB. I'll admit, Sundays are a bit easier for me, being a Mormon (we aren't supposed to spend money or make people work on Sundays). However, I have been known to do a little online shopping. Cuz, see, the money doesn't actually come out that day. And no one has to actually work when I place my order over the weekend. They just take care of it when they come in on Monday, right? But, I refrained. Didn't spend a dime. Went to church. We took Bug to the park. I read blogs (which sucked, NO ONE posts on weekends). Took a nap.

Only 2 more days to go...

Bye.

SYB Day 4

2009-09-06T12:43:00.000-06:00

Since it is the weekend, I am not going to make this post too long. And I'm not going to put any energy into being funny. Cuz it will just go to waste. My blog traffic this weekend looks like a Sunday afternoon on Main Street in Vernal.

But, I need to update all my LOYAL readers on the Squeeze Your Buttcheeks Challenge. And I'm still going strong.  Even on a holiday weekend. Yesterday was day 4, and I didn't spend a dime. I closed my eyes when J went into 7-11 and when he brought me out a blue slurpie and peanut butter m&ms, I gave him a dirty look as I ate them, for spending frivolous money. But it was him, not me.

Then I made dinner for J and his eternally single best friend. Thai Peanut Chicken Wraps.  Oh. So. Good. If I do say so myself. And I do. Say so. Myself.

And I still have 2 dogs in my bed so I am still freakin sleep exhausted. So I am going to go put Bug down for a nap and take one myself. Without any dogs.  But I am going to turn off Barney first because Riff's voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

Bye.

SYB Day 3

2009-09-05T09:21:00.000-06:00

Nothing too interesting to report. Or maybe I am just too brain dead and sleep deprived to think of anything witty. I have my parent's dog for the weekend...and 2 dogs in the bed is 2 dogs too many. Then Bug didn't sleep in. Sigh.

I didn't have to teach yesterday, so it might have been disasterous, but luckily I was watching Ike (FNF's son) in the morning, then Bug went down for a nap, he woke up, I decided to be domestic and make some bread (still waiting for my Kitchenaid to magically turn into a Bosch), then J took Bug and I to dinner at the fine establishment that is the International House of Pancakes. And we had a BOGO free, PLUS a free kid's meal. I can't cook for cheaper than that, peeps.

For our family entertainment, we took Bug to the park and he finally decided he likes slides, yay! He calls the park "Wheeeeeee!", and as we were leaving he waved and said "Buh Bye, Wheee." I know, he's cute. We did rent a redbox, but we used a free coupon code, so booya!

And now I am done writing this post. And I wrote the entire thing with the book There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly balanced precariously on my head where the Bug put it, to his amusement.

Bye.

Now I know how the "other half" lives (and SYB Day 2)

2009-09-04T06:00:00.001-06:00

Today was a bit harder than yesterday. I couldn't hide inside my impeccably clean house forever. We had to have some groceries. I think J was getting a little tired of MREs. Anyways, so I headed out with Fabulous Neighbor Friend (FNF) to Harmon's to hit their caselot sale. Harmon's is usually the biggest screwing on the planet, but they do have a few good deals at caselot time. Needless to say, I am a Wally-Worlder for the most part. Price-matching is a wonderful thing. And for all you "OH, but they are taking over the WOOOORLD! How can you SLEEP at night????" Uh, I sleep just fine and probably spend half as much on groceries at you. BOOYA. But I digress.

So, I had Bug with me, of course, and he was being a pill, eating all of Fabulous Neighbor Friend Son's (lets call him Ike) pretzels and throwing packages of frozen hashbrowns at old ladies. I really wanted to get out of there. Plus it just wasn't fun having to scrutinize every little purchase. Like, "Do I REALLY need chicken to make chicken pot pie? Couldn't I just use some of that canned tuna from food storage?"

We got to the check-out, and the lurpy, pimple-faced bagger asks me "M'am, will you be needing Drive-and-Load today?"

Huh?

Not wanting to appear ignorant, I put up my nose and said, "Of course." If that is what rich, snobby people who like to pay double for their groceries use, I'll use it too, whatever the hell it is.

So, they loaded up my cart and I began to push it toward the door.

"MAAAAAM!" As lurpy bagger chases me down. "I thought you wanted Drive-and-Load."

Me, a bit miffed, "Well of course I want drive-and-load."

Lurpy: "Um, you have to leave me your cart so I can load it."

So I started to leave.

"MAAAAAM!" Good grief, adolescent, what now?

Me, annoyed, "YES?"

Lurpy: "Um, you need to take your kid."

Apparently Drive-and-Load is not a full service operation.

So, I unbuckled the Bug, and hauled his 26 pounds of dead weight across the parking lot in the 90 degree heat, whereas if I would have had my cart, I would have been able to push him. And at this point, I'm thinkin, I'm never getting my groceries cuz I have no idea what the frack drive-and-load is and now I will never, ever come back here again because they stole 48 dollars and 53 cents from me under the guise of this drive-and-load program. Wiping away (well almost) tears, I buckled Bug in.

WHY didn't I just go to Walmart? WHY? They have been so good to me! I could picture the face of that cute little Japanese greeter-man and I felt ashamed. I made a solemn promise to the powers that be, that I would NEVER, EVER cheat on Walmart again if they would just please, this one time, help me find where I was supposed to go and retrieve my groceries.

I took a deep breath, and backed out, narrowly missing some rich chick (who I am sure lives in Daybreak) in her Escalade. I put on my glasses (since my lasik has worn off and it SUCKS) and scanned the store front.

WAIT! Is that a little line of cars I see? Perhaps these are the rich people who are using Drive-and-Load! I decided I would follow them. As I neared said place, I became convinced that this was in fact the elusive Drive-And-Load. Then a thought hit me that chilled me to the bone.

What if it costs money.

I can't spend frivolous money this week.

I'll lose all my friends! Well, followers, stalkers, whatever. But they are sort of my friends! And they are the only one's I've got. Is it worth losing $48.53 to keep my end of the challenge and not lose my friends? As I was thinking about this, I realized it was quickly my turn.

Orange vest dude: "Name?"

"Uh, Betty?" I answered. He was gone for a minute then returned with....My CART! And it looked like everything was still there! He popped open the back of the MAV and began carefully loading my groceries. Maybe he would forget to ask me for payment. OR maybe they had a Bill-Me-Later option, like BestBuy.

As he finished, I hoped he would just walk away and give me space to Drive-and-Load-and-Dash, but no such luck. He came right up to my window. Here it comes, I thought.

Orange vest dude: "Would you like a garbage sack for your car?"

Me, so scared now I can hardly breathe and I think I just wet myself, "OK" I manage to squeak, as I reach for my wallet. This is it. I have lost my challenge. I really just wanted to get some good deals at the frickin caselot sale and now look what has happened! Oh the shame.

Orange vest dude, giving me funny look: "Uh, no, they are free. And Drive-and-Load is a courtesy service for our shoppers."

So this is how the other half lives. Well, they can have it. It was way too much stress for me.

Wallys, please forgive me! I'll pay you a visit tomorrow, I promise! This will be THE LAST time I ever deviate!

Then FNF bought me Chik Fil A for lunch because she felt bad for me. And I didn't spend any money the rest of the day. So there.

Nite.

SYB Challenge Day 1

2009-09-03T06:00:00.013-06:00

Today was hard. I'm not gonna lie. I am a frugal person (usually). But I kinda got used to going out and about and shopping on break. And I LOVE great deals. So, when I see a fabulous deal, it is very hard to pass up. Did I mention that the Kohls 70% off sale ends tomorrow.

But I have resisted thus far. A brief breakdown of today (Wednesday).

8:00 a.m. I am awake but layin in bed. See, I can't spend money if I'm in bed.

8:30 a.m. Bug is watching Barney. And I am eyeing my laptop while I scarf down my second bowl of Apple Jacks. Nope, not gonna touch it.

9:00 a.m. Must do something to keep from going "out and about" (which inevitably leads to buying crap just because it is a great deal).

9:15 a.m. Drop Bug off at his buddy's house for a 3 hour playdate. Now I know what you are thinking. And you are DEAD WRONG! I did not go shopping. Didn't even leave the house. I CLEANED this pigsty, top to bottom!

12:30 p.m. I'm really hungry. We have no bread. Good thing my neighbor made me a grilled cheese. Almost caught me going to Chick Fil A.

3:15 p.m. On my way to work. Deep breathing as I pass Beyond Glaze. You don't need it, Betty. Your thighs are already as big as Tonka Trucks.

6:00 p.m. The vending machines are calling. They have my favorite. Grandma's cookies with the pink frosting. You know the ones. I pull out my leftover spaghetti and eat it contently.

8:15 p.m. Driving home from work.  The spaghetti wasn't very filling. Wendy's looks so good. Nope. Not worth it. I would lose too many blog followers. They are counting on me!

10:00 p.m.  J is playing video games. I am twiddling my thumbs. Nothing to do. Guess I better get to bed before I get on Kohls.com and take advantage of the once-in-a-lifetime-lowest-prices-of-the-season-save-even-more-when-you-use-your-Kohl's-charge sale. Breath out slowly.

Ok, night.

P.S. How's everyone else doing?   I mean, those of you who were actually ~~man~~ woman enough to accept my challenge.

P.P.S. Uh, where did the blogger spell-checker-thingy go? Any and all typos are officially not my fault.

Squeeze-Your-Buttcheeks Challenge!

2009-09-02T06:00:00.002-06:00

For those of you who read this post (which was like, 5 of my 16 readers, plus maybe J and Chief a few times to make me feel good), you know that I had issues last month.  Even looking a the Amex bill right now, I am barfing in my mouth.

Here are just a few choice line items from last month's bill (along with a rationalization for each) :

08/28/2009 Fri REDBOX DVD RENTAL                4.27   We uh, liked it lots so we watched it 4 times.
08/25/2009 Tue PAYPAL *FARMGOODSFO      28.24 I don't know what this is but I'm sure I needed it.
08/24/2009 Mon THE READY STORE                  173.90  I had to get us prepared for the apocolypse.
08/20/2009 Thu TARGET                                       136.73 See HERE.

08/19/2009 Wed COSTCO WHSE                        138.06  Duh, it's Costco. I needed everything I got.
08/19/2009 Wed OUTDOOR OUTLET INC           35.73 Hello, for THE HIKE of doom! I think...
08/19/2009 Wed TEXAS ROADHOUSE                17.00 J was out of town. I was hungry.
08/19/2009 Wed WAL-MART                                42.67 Probably much-needed food.
08/18/2009 Tue CABELA'S RETAIL                    113.55 Was this for the hike too?
08/18/2009 Tue WAL-MART                                 17.10   Did I really do Walmart 2 days in a row? Wow
08/15/2009 Sat DESERET BOOK CO                    91.68 Stuff to keep the Bug quiet in church.
08/15/2009 Sat SEAGULL BOOK                          24.92 More stuff to keep Bug quiet in church...
08/15/2009 Sat USU UNIVERSITY INN                90.69 Anniversary trip baby!
08/13/2009 Thu WENDYS                                        4.20 Spicy chicken.
08/11/2009 Tue THANKSGIVING POINT              7.51 $2 Tuesdays...uh, plus some extra stuff...

08/10/2009 Mon ALBERTSONS                            32.96  Um, I had a coupon?
08/10/2009 Mon CHEESECAKE FACTORY         26.30 I had to see my friends from old job to gossip
08/10/2009 Mon WALGREENS                             42.71 I had a coldsore and a yeast infection. Nuf said
08/09/2009 Sun AUTOPAY/DISH NTWK            46.31 I like paying for 100+ channels we don't watch
08/08/2009 Sat KNEADERS BAKERY                  11.84 I bought my way out a dinner I signed up for
08/07/2009 Fri AEROPOSTALE                           10.69 Cute shirt. On sale.
08/07/2009 Fri AMZ*AMAZON PAYMENTS      54.99 I have no frickin clue.
08/07/2009 Fri CRAZY 8                                        37.39 New kids' store in the mall!
08/07/2009 Fri NAARTJIE                                      44.80 Favorite kids' store in the mall...
08/07/2009 Fri SOUTH TOWNE CENTER            45.74 Obviously something important at the mall.
08/05/2009 Wed CHILDRENSPLACE.COM         20.41 It was all on sale.
08/28/2009 Fri COLDSTN CREAM                         4.30 PMS...oh wait, crap, I don't have periods..uhhh
08/24/2009 Mon CAFE RIO                                    22.00 Um...yum?
08/14/2009 Fri CAFE SABOR                                 31.90 OOOH, this one is legit. Anniversary lunch.
08/14/2009 Fri FIRE HOUSE PIZZERIA                  4.62  Food to eat with movie.

08/14/2009 Fri REDBOX DVD RENTAL                 1.07 Movie to watch with food. Only $1 though!
08/08/2009 Sat BEYOND GLAZE                           3.18 Really. Good. Donuts.
08/08/2009 Sat IHOP                                             12.70 Quality family time!

08/08/2009 Sat THE HOME DEPOT                     53.83 Uhh, I think we had a coupon that was expiring?
08/07/2009 Fri BEYOND GLAZE                           3.18 Duh, see above.
08/06/2009 Thu BEYOND GLAZE                         9.07 Again, see above. Sheesh.

08/06/2009 Thu COOKIE CUTTERS                   16.45 Afraid my kid will look like a hick if I cut his hair
08/05/2009 Wed CHICK-FIL-A                             7.82 Have you tried their crinkly fries?
08/05/2009 Wed TARGET                                     32.03 Uhhh, probably important stuff like bras.
08/05/2009 Wed ZUPAS                                       10.44 I needed a healthy salad. And my lettuce was bad
08/04/2009 Tue THE LIVING PLANET AQ         16.00 For a whole year membership..what a good deal!
08/03/2009 Mon LITTLE CAESARS                      8.40 Uh...it was probably too hot to use the oven?

08/01/2009 Sat KNEADERS BAKERY                16.35 More quality family breakfast time.

See, all perfectly understandable expenses. However, my husband seems to have a different stance on the matter. So, to pacify him, I am proving that I can go an entire ~~month~~ week without these so-called "unneeded" expenses.

And I dare you all to join me.

The Rules

1. NO spending money on anything that isn't absolutely necessary for survival (exceptions are subscriptions like cable, internet, phone, that you have to pay or you will get a big-arse fine). I am not going to define what is necessary for survival. That's up to you.

2. This includes cash, checks, debit cards, and credit cards

3. You must account for EACH AND EVERY purchase and explain why it was necessary to live on.

4.  J will be the judge. Since he thinks he is so frugal (and he really is). And I will post my results at the end of each day to keep you motivated. Cuz I'm going to freakin rock this thing.

5. This challenge will run from September 2nd to September 8th.

6. And I have really good prizes.

7. You MUST be a follower to participate. This is my way of looking like I am more popular than I actually am. So go on, just click that little button. It won't hurt.

Prizes will be given in the following categories:
1. She/he who spendeth the least (The Frugalist)
2. She/he who liveth on the barest of necessities (The Survivalist)
3. She/he who cometh up with the best excuse for a purchase that really shouldn't be necessary but is able to convince J otherwise (The B.S.ist)

So, keep track of what you spend every day, and post it to your blog however you want (daily or at the end) and copy the link in my comments, or email me at blogginbetty @ gmail dot com by Sept. 8th at the end of the day.

I will announce the winners on September 9th.  I will mail out the prizes by the 10th.

Now come on, people. Play along. It's really not gonna be that hard.

PLUG TIME: Tell your bloggin friends about the challenge. See if they can do it! And I give good prizes. So it's worth it.

Look for my first day (Sept. 2nd, Wed) results first thing Thursday (9/03) morning!

And yes, this is a shameless way to get more readers. But indulge me. Maybe I'll be able to cut down on the Prozac.

Teenybopper Tuesday

2009-09-01T06:00:00.006-06:00

Teenybopper

Definition (Urban Dictionary.com) Usually an obnoxious 11-14 year old girl who wears shirts that say things like "angel" "princess" "diva" "goddess," etc. they wear sparkly pink/blue jewelry. and the true mark is crisp, clean new-looking low-top converse OR navy blue skechers. also pretend they have boobs but they dont. their bras are more like a piece of elastic with eggshells connected. and they enjoy wearing denim bell bottoms or "flares" with pre-worn out butts and/or a little flowery design somewhere.

So folks, I hope you are ready for the first ever Teenybopper Tuesday.

This post is brought to you by:

My parents, who after finding a box with all my Jr. High junk in it, came and dumped it on my front steps unceremoniously and said "I think this is the last of your stuff." STUFF? I beg your pardon. TREASURES is more like it. And lying right on top, in all its sparkle-stickerified glory: The Box.

The Box contains ever note I ever kept from Jr. High. You know, the notes between friends/crushes/etc. that you write when you think your teacher isn't looking, then you fold it in a way that no one can ever open it, write 4UREZONLY on it, then shove through that person's locker slats as you rush to your next class? Yes, those notes. I also found: My journal. From this same time period. Oh, this stuff is priceless people.

In honor of this box of treasures, I am instituting Teenybopper Tuesday. Each Tuesday (which is a craptastic day in and of itself), I will post something special from my box. A journal entry maybe, or a note I received from Dashing-Pubescent-Boy. You will just have to come back to see!

Today's Teenybopper Tuesday Tidbit (hehe):

A note written in 9th grade Geography class, passed between "Daisy" and Moi while Mrs. Jakobs rambled on. A bit of background:  Valentine's Day was coming up, and I was having a party that would be... GASP... CO-ED! Daisy and I both have secret crushes.

Imagine the setting: Krystal is sitting next to my right, and Daisy to my left. I have left all grammar and spelling intact, for your pleasure. Names have been changed, of course. Daisy's part was written in BLUE ink, as I have shown here, and mine was in pencil. Just so you can get the full effect...

(I have also included my version of CliffNotes, TB NOTES, to help you translate).

Hey Betty: My parent's HAVE TO let mego! If they don't... If I get to go, do you think Stan will come if I ask him? I hope so, if I can go. We'll have to listen to the Friday Night Retro!!  Yeah!! And the orange game!! Whoopee! I'll tell Stan to bring Chris, right? Luv Daisy

(Daisy was, and probably still is, obsessed with 80's music. Blah. And for those not familiar with the "orange game", here is a picture. See, she has to get it under her chin without using her hands. It's the only way to get 14 year olds to get close on Valentine's Day.)

They absolutely HAVE TO let you go! I will never forgive them if they don't! Definintly have them call my parents -k-! They will talk them into it! No Retro! Sorry, Dais, but I was think more along the lines on NO COMMERCIALS! Like JockJams CD! Of course the orange game! I'm sure he'll come if you ask him! Luv Bets

Really? Hope so. We have a lot of planning to do! Guess what? He likes Nicholas Cage, & so do I! He likes Adam Sandlar, and so do I!

Cool! You guys must be MFEO!!! Speaking of Adam Sandler, are we going to watch Happy Gillmore while we plan?
(MFEO = MADE FOR EACH OTHER, FYI)

I dunno If I can stay that long. I dunno. He envys his bro, Matt, and Josh.
(Notice here. Daisy is extremely one track minded)

MY Matt?

No, his brother, Matt!

Krystal saw me write that about MY Matt!

I thought so! HeHeHe! Now she knows! HaHaHa . j/k

No, we are going to tell her it is my cousin, Matt.

We should handmake the invitations!

Like how?

With my scrapbook stuff.

OK. Personalized invites? Like "Krystal is invited, where? blah blah when? blah why? blah, and so on?

Kinda, ya. We can decide today after school.

Hey, what'd Krystal say?

That she believes me and who should she invite.
(Bull crap she believed me. Who is THAT dumb?)

Believes you? About what?
(Duh, didn't we just go over "THE PLAN?")

That Matt we were talking about is my cousin.

Oh. You should tell her. She won't tell anyone. She hasn't told Stan.
(Obviously I was not the only who who knew about Daisy's secret crush. I am a bit miffed at this realization.)

No Way! She knows him too well.
(AKA, That crazy bizzle would probably try to steal him).

She knows Stan. I'm going to ask Maddy if she'll forgive Stan for what he said. He didn't mean it.

What did he say?

Just...stuff...don't wanna go into details.

Go into details, girl, or else!
Well he just told her that she was annoying & he called her a "B." He didn't mean it.
(Uh. What DID he mean?)

Oh, well, Jeremy was just saying words that I have only heard on cable.

Oh. What Krystal say now?
(Wouldn't YOU want to know which words those were? She obviously isn't really thinking about what I wrote. Hmpf)

Just that she is probably inviting Tanner or Josh.
(I also had a crush on Tanner and stole him away from Krystal in 10th grade. HA!)

Yeah, K.

Oh, well, that was an open statement. Say something interesting. You are duller than my pencil!
(As she often was)

Gee thanx. Well the bell's gonna ring soon. Can't wait to see HIM again!

OK - I just told Krystal! AHHHHH!
(Yes, I confided my deepest darkest secret to Krystal! And it worked very well, I might add. At the party, we played truth or dare and on my turn, Krystal dared Matt to kiss me. Oh, young love. I don't think we ever talked again.)

Now for you, my 15 whole blog fans. You know who you are! Spill it. After all, Teenybopper Tuesday isn't much fun if I'm the only one doing it. Get out your journals, your notes, or just your ~~old forgotten~~ treasured memories and join in the fun!

Let's Get Real 2009

2009-08-31T11:00:00.002-06:00

So, I know I am new at this whole "Let's be BLOG buddies!" thing, but one of my favorite bloggers I have come across is Amy. She literally makes me pee my pants every time she posts. I LOVE her theme this weekend "Let's Get Real 2009." Because Perfect. People. Are. Liars. The challenge was to take pictures of your house...without cleaning first. GASP!

Now, you may think that I cheated, waiting until Sunday to post this. But fear not. No cleaning occurred this weekend. None. Whatsoever. Whenever the subject came up, I would have to go pee or something, and I would come back to this:
Then, a few hours later, he would stretch, yawn and look really surprised to see me and the Bug sitting there staring at him. "Man, Honey. I don't know what happened to me!" Oh I do. It's called you decided to take a convenience nap. Right when I mentioned jobs. So, then it's "Sorry, Honey, now what do you need me to do as far as jobs go?" I would start rattling a few things off, go put Bug down for his nap, and came back to this:

I finally gave up. If he's not cleanin', I'm not cleanin. This is the freaking 21st Century people. And I'm a working mom. To his credit, the dishes got done, because he knows that if he would like his life to be at all bearable, they better get done after I make a nice meal. Good boy. So, this first picture isn't that bad. The kitchen.Looks like we have a cup holder that goes to the carseat (ingenious), a diaper holder, and way in the background you can see my Kitchenaid mixer that has yet to spontaneously transform into a Bosch. Don't worry. This is the cleanest room in my house.
This is the office closet. I cannot name even one item in this photo. I do believe that big silver thing use to be the side of the computer.
Ah, see. Now this is getting good. The Office. Again, I don't know what any of that crap is. Except for that ADA training manual on top. It was required for faculty last Friday. Now that was a good time.

Oooh, more office fun!

Some women collect handbags. I collect big@ss bags. See, there's my backpack to keep my laptop in, and the pink thing is the bag I take to the pool, park and beach, and then the red one is the actual "diaper" bag, and behind that is the black laptop bag. All hold the requisite amount of crap needed when one has a toddler. J loves that I choose to store them in his office. But as you can see, he has boxes of crap too.
The stairway is relatively clean. What are those bags, you ask? I actually have no idea. Lemme go check.

K, I'm back. They seem to have random items collected over the last year that need to be taken upstairs. You can even see the deodorant I got on sale last winter at the bottom of the bag! And that sick, grayish hairball on the 2nd stair? Don't worry. It's just Oscar's bone. It used to be white. I have given up on washing it.
Remember my emergency preparedness kick? Here are the results of that. Well, the two boxes are anyway. The other stuff is junk my parents brought over. Guess this means I really can't go back. What am I going to do with shipping envelopes left over from my Victoria's Secret ebay business and my 8th grade softball cleats? Heaven knows I'm not joining an adult league...adult women who play softball are...a bit different.
Yum! I think this was dinner last night...or the night before...

The playroom. Yeah. Even the dog can't believe it. I really love the toenail clippers on top of the console table. Wonder where those clippings went, J. Nummers.
And of course, I am such a neglectful parent. I never feed my child, so he is forced to fend for himself. He's watched me do it enough times, so when he saw a perfectly good bowl laying in the middle of the living room floor, he knew exactly what to do. Conveniently, the pantry was wide open.
Thus ends my Let's Get Real 2009 post. I was too mortified to take pictures of the bedroom and bathroom. You would send out the quarantine crew for sure.

Apologies

2009-08-31T11:00:00.000-06:00

Well. My mother-in-law read the post about the 7 a.m. wake-up call. And she e-mailed me. And said she chose not to be offended. I am glad. But I still feel I must apologize. As she reminded me, she DOES get my name right half the time. And we had asked her to keep an eye out for Little Tikes stuff, so she really was just looking out for us, which she always does. We have gotten many a good deal due to her eagle eyes.

And J and I are just really really ornery butts in the morning.

But I don't think we have been disowned.

Or written out of the will.

Though she did say she can't speak for my father-in-law. But I didn't think the post about "the talk" was even that bad. Was it?

Anyway...hope I don't offend anyone else. But, like my sister Chief....I really don't have a working filter.

Personal Finances? Not anymore...

2009-08-31T07:00:00.000-06:00

When J and I were engaged, about 6 1/2 years ago, his dad (about the sweetest guy I know), took him aside at a family dinner.

I believe the exact words were, "Son, join me in my office. I have some things to discuss with you." So, of course, at this point, J starts sweatin bullets. Is this it? He is thinking "Is he REALLY going to have 'the talk' with me about my wedding night?" He gave me HUGE scared eyes as he followed his dad back to 'the office." The door shut behind them and J looked around for the nearest escape route.

He sat down in 'the chair' and his dad began.
"Son. There are 3 things I want you to promise me.
One. That you will ALWAYS have family prayer, FHE (Family Home Evening for the non-Mormon-speakers out there), and scripture study."

At this J merely nodded, wondering when he was going to get to 'the point.' (Side note: We suck at all 3 of these things and are therefore going straight to hell, if we aren't disowned first)

"Second. Do not put off having your family for any reason."

J, terrified now. Was he now going to explain how this "having a family" was supposed to come about? (Side note 2: We had our first child 5 years into our marriage...by choice. Not because we didn't know how it worked.)

"And last. And most important of all. NEVER relinquish control of the finances."

So what does J do? The minute we are settled into our 390 square foot arsehole-of-an-apartment, he plops down on the sofa, pops open a Dew (the Mormon equivalent of a cold one), and yells into the bathroom, where I am trying unsuccessfully to find some privacy, "HEY BABE?"

Me: "Uh, yeah?" Really, no need to yell. I can hear a whisper fart from the next room. Cinderblock carries sound very well.

"You're taking care of the budget and bills and stuff right?"

And that was it. This has been my job for the past 6 years. Which is good. I like having control. Lots.

As you are well aware, I have been on semester break for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I am an adjunct prof. So, no teachie, no monies. But lots and lots of free time.

Yes, it was a fabulous break. Until I went back to work. And did "The Budget."

What the Hell? Uh...somehow my Excel document is malfunctioning. My formulas are all jacked up. Recalculating....

Huh. How did our surplus go down so much? I just did "The Budget" like 3 weeks ago.

Logging into Amex....The Ready Store...what is this? And look at all those purchases in Park City. Of course! My card has been stolen! That is why the bill is so much! Oh wait...I did go to the Outlets...damn. Oh. And I got really turbo about Emergency Preparedness. And made the Ultimate 72 Hour Kits. And oh yeah. I did get the Bug a FEW things for fall/winter. And a few new toys. And a new chair. And geez, I mean really, who can leave Costco without spending over a hundie?

As I continue to scroll, I pull out my handie dandie calculator. A trip to Podunk for our anniversary....couple hundie. OH, and of course, I HAD to get all that outdoorsy stuff for my hike, remember? And for my hike next month I really needed like, REAL backpacking stuff. But I'll use it again I'm sure.......so that doesn't really count.

And I didn't have tons of time to cook, what with all this um, preparedness work I was doing. So that's why there's all that eating out. No biggie...

Hmmm. I never thought I would say this. In fact, it makes me sick to think about typing it. I don't know if I can do it. I guess it really isn't SAYING it if I don't actually use my mouth. Right?

Ok, squeezing buttcheeks....breathe....I can do this....

Maybe my father in law was right.

And hopefully J won't read this post.

Bye.

Barney-licious

2009-08-28T09:11:00.000-06:00

There are so many cute shows on that I wouldn't mind watching with my kid.

WordWorld, Clifford, Curious George, Sid the Science Kid, even SESAME STREET for crying out loud.

But does my toddler like any of these adorable, won't-kill-off-all-remaining-brain-cells shows?

No. He like Barney.

Let me rephrase.

He LOVES Barney.

I just don't get it. He's creepy. What is he supposed to be anyway? Is he an adult? Ageless? Do the parents just send their kids to the park knowing that a responsible stuffed animal will magically turn life-size and watch over their children?

The best is when they have camp-outs.

Parent: "Ok, Billy, now go off and have fun with your big, purple, adult-friend-who-dresses-like-a-dinosaur! I'll see you in the morning!"

I mean, seriously? That's a little too Michael Jackson's Never Neverland for me.

And the songs. Oh, the songs. Yesterday at work, I looked up from my computer to see 20 pairs of eyes staring at me, frightened and confused. I quickly realized that "Everything's Better With a Friend" wasn't just repeating itself in my head.

And the other day. J and I were on a date. Driving in the car. And he turns to me like he's going to say something profound. Out comes "Let's go riding in a car today! It's my favorite way to play!"

You can't get them out of your head. They are like crack. Slowly infiltrating what is left of my sanity.

Please. Make. It. Stop!

I need some advice. I am going to have to double my crazy pill dose if this goes on much longer.

Some tell me, "Just don't let him watch it." These folks have obviously never been the parents of an 18 month old.

And I chug along

2009-08-26T19:48:00.001-06:00

So, sorry, this is a really short, dumb post. But I have a headache. And I don't think you are supposed to take more than 4 Ibuprofen unless you want to die or go to sleep for a long time. On second thought...

Fall semester started today and I have a new bunch of eager, wild-eyed co-eds. I almost said "young." But that would be inaccurate. My youngest student is 17. My oldest...well, lets just say he's a little long in the tooth. And a little short in the manners.

Long-tooth: Hey, hon, am I just s'posed ta read this here book and take the test on the 'puter?

Me, his PROFESSOR, who he just called a pet name: No, Mr. Long-tooth. Please refer to the syllabus and you will find the course sequence.

Long-tooth: Huh? Babe, you are going to have to explain it a little better 'n that.

It's going to be a long, long semester.

That one time when I decided to climb a mountain

2009-08-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

I don't exercise. Ever. I don't like it. We own a treadmill. A nice one. Dudn't matter. I still don't like it. I think it may be time to start. Plus, I have no freaking idea why this is underlined and hyperlinked and have no idea how to get it to go away.

Anyway, this beauty below is called Mount Timpanogos. Elevation at the Summit: 11,790 ft. One day, I woke up and decided that I needed to climb to the top. So, I found a few family members who are in better shape than me. And on Friday, off we went. After what I was sure had been 4-5 hours, I made the mistake of shouting ahead (as I was behind everyone, even my 60 year old uncle in need of a total hip replacement) asking how many miles we had come. The answer was 3/4 of a mile. Great. Only like 13 to go.

The wildflowers were pretty. Gorgeous actually. Did they make up for the total and complete annihilation of my body? Probably not.

This is my first view of the Summit. This is where I turned around, screaming "oh HEEEEELLLL no," running back down the way we came. It took all 3 of my companions to subdue me.Ok, so this is a picture of me on the way to the Summit. This is after 5 hours of hiking. Uphill. With 3 hours of sleep the night before because I lay awake about it all night. See, Mike really should have listened when I told him I needed my meds. I even thought about what my last meal might be like, as it would probably be my breakfast the next morning. I had to get up and make sure we still had the Banana Split Pop Tarts. Luckily, we did.I was so Wrong! THIS would be my last meal. See, we made it to the Saddle. So I got to eat my lunch. It was PB&J. Oh the pain. My lungs. My legs. My toes. My toenails. I am grinning here because I am contemplating just jumping off here. I think it would be a better death than falling involuntarily or having a heart attack.

Now this is really funny. I made it to the Summit. Poor cousin B. She really wishes she hadn't told me that "we can take as many breaks as you need!" This picture was actually taken a full 2 weeks after we started our final ascent. And your prize for making it the entire 11,790 ft? They have a little book you get to sign, saying you made it to the top. I was kinda hoping for a Swedish masseuse named Klaus. And a helicopter.There are two ways off the Summit. Back the way you came (Which was an excruciating hour of boulder scrambling and sheer cliffs leading down to Provo, the closest to the Twilight Zone you will ever get), and down "the Glacier." Well, I was never one for backtracking. It would just be like sledding right? I had my jacket. I could just slide on that.

Oh, this is me at the top of the glacier. Behind me you will see all the people who were planning on going down the conventional way, until they realized B and I were not. Pretty soon we had an entire following. Right here I am saying, "What the f@$*% were we thinking?!" Yes, it really was that steep.
Hmmm, those people in front of me have ice picks. And snow pants. Was I supposed to bring gear?

At least I have hiking shoes. I got em at Cabela's on Thursday.

Which way are we supposed to go? The right looks faster. Jacket under butt? Check. Hands in jacket pockets for protection from the elements? Check. I yelled a quick warning to the folks down below, telling them they better move their arses unless they wanted to be mowed down. I closed my eyes (I would not recommend this) and let go.

Oh Shootskie. The right leads to this. Which led to me digging my heels into the snow and ice, screaming like a girl, taking rocks up my arse, tumbling down the mountain full speed trying to avoid landing in the shallow glacier lake full of jagged boulders. I bet you can still see the blood stains from the Summit.

As I finally limped off the glacier, a full 2 hours after I started, I was met by my welcoming party. Soon as they saw me they ran. Up the glacier. It took them 2 minutes. To go up. The glacier. And they are friggin goats.

It took another 4 hours to get back to the car. At which point my aunt C turned around and said "Wasn't that fun!"

This was two days ago. I am still sitting in the same spot I was when I got home. J has been bringing me food and drink. I am recovering nicely, thanks for asking.

Some Assembly Required

2009-08-22T10:09:00.000-06:00

My kid's toys needed some updating, and the location where they are kept was in desperate need of a make-over. Being the interior designer type that I am, I immediately thought, "HEY, you know what would look AWESOME there? One of those white particle board cubix things!

So, off to Target the Bug and I went.

And we came home with this.

The instructions said "Reorganize in minutes!" So, naturally, I thought that I would have the construction completed "in minutes."

The first good sign: The instructions actually included instructions, unlike a certain Swedish company I know of where the "instructions" consist of a little cartoon who looks like the Michelin man's midget cousin attempting to assemble an entertainment center...kinda like a silent movie.

The instructions said I would need a Phillips screwdriver. So, I wandered into the garage, rummaged through J's stuff, and found one that looked like the picture. I came back in, settled down with my bag of chips and turned the page.

What the hell? They waited until the next page to tell me I would need a hammer? There was no way I was getting back off my butt, so I quickly looked around and grabbed this baby.The instructions first told me to "gently push two short dowels into the outside holes of the fixed shelves." Below is a fixed shelf. I would consider these to be the "outside" holes. However, there was a size discrepancy.Problem solved. This must be what I needed the Phillips screwdriver for! Tada! They fit...sort of... Next, I was supposed to be sure I left the middle hole empty.

Eh, what middle hole? I see no middle hole. Oh, that middle hole. Shootskie. I really hope I didn't do permanent damage with that Phillips. But seriously, who would have thought these were "outside holes?" I was fuming, but calmed down after I realized that in China, where the instructions were typed up, these probably ARE outside holes. Hey, for $1 a day, I wouldn't be too specific in my writing either.

As you can see, it was smooth sailing from there! I only had to take it apart twice!

And the instructions didn't lie! 120 minutes of precious Bug-Is-Napping time later....

Tada!!!!

Like I said, my kid needed some toys more his size...for some reason, teething rings and rattles seemed to bore him. Geez, they turn 18 months old and become all demanding.

So, after assembling the designer Cubix unit, I went back out to the MAV (Mormon Assault Vehicle for those of you who aren't from Utah) and pulled out the box for this little beauty:

And the outside of the box, in big red letters said...

It was a long day.

My friends Barbie and Mike

2009-08-19T11:00:00.000-06:00

A few days ago, I realize, crap, I am out of crazy pills. So, I call up my friendly neighborhood Walmart:

"Thank you for calling! My name is Barbie, how may I assist you?" Barbie? Really? Did I call Hooters on accident?

Me: "Uh, yeah, hi. I need to refill a prescription."

Blond Pharmacy Tech (BPT): "Okie dokie! The number please?" I rattle it off to her.

BPT: "Oh, dear! It looks like you are out of refills honey." My biggest pet peeve in life = When people with less brains, less birthdays, and less pigment in their hair call me pet names.

Me: "Ok, can you please send in a prescription request to my doctor?"

BPT: "Sure thing, hon!"

Me, gritting me teeth, biting back the retort that is on the tip of my tongue: "Thanks, bye."

2 Days without crazy pills later, I make another call:

"Thank you for calling! My name is Barbie, how may I assist you?"

I, of course, refuse to call her Barbie, "Hey Barb. I am trying to figure out if my prescription is ready? I'm goin a little nutso here. See, I have an 18 month old."

Barb: "Hmmm, well hon, it doesn't look like we have received that fax back from your doctor."
Me: "Can I talk to the pharmacist please?"

"This is Mike, the Pharmacist!" Mike the Pharmacist? Like Conan the Barbarian, or Alexander the Great?

Me: "Uh, yeah, I really need some crazy pi....er, prozac. I've been out for 2 days and my doc hasn't gotten back to you guys. Can you please get me a couple to hold me over for a few days?" I am having trouble sleeping and am having nightmares about dingos dragging off my Shih Tzu, but I don't tell him this.

Mike: "Hmmm, let me pull up your account. Well, it looks like you have made this type of request before."

Me: "Uh yeah, probably. I always wait til the last minute and they aren't super quick about getting back to you guys." It has happened once.

Mike: "Are you sure you are only taking the recommended dose every day?" Huh?

Me: "Yeah, just one a day, like I always have."

Mike: "And you are the only one taking these pills, correct? You don't lend them to anyone or anything like that?"

Me: "Uh, no."

Mike: "Hmm, well, I am going to have to ask you to come in and talk to me in person."

Me: "Uh, okay. Like, now?"

Mike: "Yes." OK, seriously? I hang up, drop the Bug off at grandmas and head on over.

When I arrive, I am disappointed. Barb seems to be on break. I ask for Mike the Pharmacist and explain who I am. I can see the other techs in the back whispering and pointing. GOOD HELL PEOPLE, it's not like I am coming in looking for pain pills! I just want my anti-anxiety meds for crying out loud!

After Mike the Pharmacist had determined that I was apparently not a threat to society, I left with 3 extra pills in hand...and a warning that this would be the last time I would be given medication without written authorization.

Sheesh, fine. This way, when I have a breakdown, Barbie and I can hit Hooters together. Maybe she even gets a discount on wings...

Wake-up Call

2009-08-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

Friday morning. 7 a.m. J's day off. Our 6th anniversary. Bug sleeping in. The perfect start to my day.

DoooooodidooWAaaaaaaWooooooo.....DoooooooodidooWAaaaaaaWoooooo.

What the hell?

DoooooodidooWAaaaaaaWooooooo.....DoooooooodidooWAaaaaaaWoooooo.

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Freaking. Kidding. Who would call my cell phone at the butt-crack of dawn on my ANNIVERSARY?

DooooooodidooWaaa......."HELLO?"

J, startled, flips over, flailing his arm, nailing me smack in the middle of my upper unmentionables.

"GOOD HELL, J!" as I drop the phone on the dog.

"Who is that?" J, annoyed.

"I dunno. Hang on." Picking up the phone off the dog's butt.

"Hello. Hello?"

"LINDY?" I now know exactly who it is. No one else calls me this. Since it is not my name. Try telling that to my mother-in-law who has called me this for the past 7 years.

"Yup."

"Are you still in BED?"

"Mmmhmmm"

"Well, I've been up since 5." Well, that's your issue. I don't say this, but I really want to.
"And I'm at a yard sale." What's new. "You need to get down here." Huh? Did I not mention that it is 7 AM!?!

"They have the MOST Little Tikes stuff I have ever seen! What does the Bug need? They have 3 of those cube things, and the most ADORABLE airplane seesaw, and those little cars they run with their feet."

Me: "Oh, uh huh." Please, please, the longer you talk the harder it will be to get back to sleep. J, kicking me, "Just hang up. Who is it? Or go away if you want to talk and let me sleep."
Me, kicking back, harder. "Shut up, it's your mom."

"WHAT? LINDY? Is that JP? Did he stay home from work? Is he still in BED!?" Uh, yeah.
"Well, anyway, you really need to just get up and get in the car and get down here. This stuff won't last." But I don't care?

Me: "Well, uh, you know, we are going out of town today for our anniversary."

"WHAT TIME?" Please. Stop. Screaming. "HANG ON, let me ask this lady how much she wants for this." No, please don't. I don't care.
Muffled, "What? That's absurd. This isn't worth more than $10, and that would be a screwing."
"LINDY? I'm back. Never mind. She is trying to Jew me." Huh? Ok, does that mean I get to go back to bed? Nevermind the ethnic/religious slurs. She really doesn't know what it means. I promise.

"Ok, well um, thanks for calling." Reaching for the "End call" button.

"So are you coming down?" What? Didn't she just tell me never mind?

J, grabbing the phone, "MOM? It's too early. We are going back to bed. Just get a slide or something. Don't worry, we'll pay you for it!"

Click.

I think we were just written out of the will.

2009-08-16T21:13:00.000-06:00

Who WOULDN'T want to spend the weekend with guys like this?

I debated for days, weeks, months whether or not I should do this post. What would people think of me? Would I be shunned?

Then I decided that it wasn't really a reflection of me. He is his own person. Separate from me. Right?

I'll just get right down to it: My husband is the ultimate nerd.

For the past 8 years, he has played an online multi-player game called Counter-Strike. It's one of those first person shooters where the gun is all out in front of you and you are either the terrorist or the counter-terrorist. There are 5 players per side and it's a battle to the death.

J has been on a few teams, called "clans" in his day, and the past 3 years has been a team captain of Karma. Yes, they have captains. He is also the "strat" man. He comes up with all the sneaky maneuvers. Kinda like a coach??? His online handle is Viper. I will here-to-forth refer to him as such in this post.

Recently, Viper's clan Karma united for the ultimate nerd fest. Their starting 5 came from all corners of the globe (well, from Victoria Canada, Seattle, and Salt Lake anyway) and they packed up the minivan with computers, monitors, coolers of Mountain Dew, and a dream.

That dream? To be the Ultimate Champions of LAN FEST 2009 in Colorado.

Thursday night was the kick-off BBQ. I had a cake made for them at Sams Club.

They ordered special jerseys. Get it, KARMA, what goes around comes around?

Friday morning: After a serious discussion about who would get shotgun which ended in a heated match of paper, rock, scissors, they were off.

I waved goodbye with a tear in my eye. And a prayer that all of the neighbors were still asleep.

Here is the beginning of the geekiness.

Karma, focused on the task at hand.

Viper 10 years ago.

Viper 10 years from now.

Sustenance

Viper supporting a fellow Karma clanmember in an individual competition.

Overall, they were just shy of realizing their great dream. They made it all the way to finals, only to lose to a Pro Counterstrike Team with SPONSORS.

However, other members of team Karma won over $1300 in prizes. Alas, Viper was not one of these chosen few.

Now what do you think of me? Of my family? Oh the shame. But I will hold my head up high. After all, you never know when KARMA might be the ones to win tournaments, cash, and the adoration of fans. Who will be laughing then, eh?

1/4 of a Century down...3/4 (or so) to go

2009-08-16T20:54:00.000-06:00

Welcome to my "new" (and maybe improved?) blog. Recently, I turned the big 2-5. I knew I wanted to do a special blog post for the momentous occasion. I toyed with several ideas, finally settling on "I get uglier with time" featuring really um, great, pictures of myself from birth until now. I still may get to this post. However, all the really bad, er great ones need to be scanned in, and I just didn't have it in me today. Maybe you'll get lucky on a future post.

So, instead, I am reminiscing about the happenings of the last quarter century. Two for each year. One thing that happened to me, and another that just well, happened.

Here we go....

Drumroll please...

1984
1. I was born. That was pretty great.
2. Brunei became a fully independent state...This is so cool because just yesterday at a West Side college marketing event, I met a whole bunch of refugees that kept saying they were from "Brooni" and I had no clue what they were talking about! Apparently, it's in West Africa. And yes, my Bachelor's is in geography.

1985
1. My dad (accidentally) slammed my right ring finger in the door, cutting it off. Don't worry, it's been reattached.
2. Vice-president G.W. Bush became acting president for 8 hours while Reagan underwent surgery on his colon. You think we would have seen enough after those 8 long hours...guess we never learn.

1986
1. Hmmm, well, I was probably potty trained somewhere in here...
2. A treaty finally ended the Three Hundred and Thirty-Five Years' War between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly. You would think after 335 years, they could come up with a better name.

1987
1. I went to Miss Stacy's preschool and learned the "Stinkiest Child Alive" Song. I can still sing it for you, if you would like. And all the kids learned it, FYI, I wasn't just some stinky kid she sung it to.
2. Reagan now undergoes PROSTATE surgery. Is anyone sensing a pattern?

1988
1. Disneyland! (I don't remember, but the pictures make it look like I enjoyed myself)
2. California vs. Greenwood: The Supreme court ruled that cops don't need a search warrant to look through garbage. So, the moral is, be careful what you chuck.

1989
1. I started kindergarten and had the world's BEST bus driver. He sang "Rudolph the Black-Backed Stinkbug" at Christmas. It's a classic.
2. Ted Bundy is fried in Florida's electric chair. Nuf said.

1990
1. Hmm, first grade. On Halloween I refused to drink the milk at the class party. Doesn't EVERYONE know you aren't supposed to drink green milk?
2. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is closed to the public due to safety concerns. Well, duh.

1991
1. My darlingest, sweetest, most adorable little sister was born. My reign was over.
2. Super Nintendo!!!

1992
1. I had my favorite teacher of all time, Mr. Drake, and my parents uprooted me to some podunk town in Idaho with the WORST teacher of all time, Ms. Isle. Any time you would tell her anything, she would say, super loud, "THANKS, nooooow weeeeee knoooooOOOw." That was special.
2. Boris Yeltsin announces that Russia will stop targeting U.S. cities with nuclear weapons. Smart move, Boris, smart move.

1993
1. I won the Young Authors award for the 4th grade with my poem entitled Summer Wheeze. I have a copy for all those who would like one. I may even sign it for you.
2. Israel and the Vatican establish diplomatic relations. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at this one...

1994
1. One of my favorite elementary school years. We got to have a sleepover at the school (mind you, this was Podunk, ID) and listen to ghost stories in the boiler room. How cool is that? When I was 18, we had a 5th grade reunion. Good times.
2. Nancy Kerrigan is clubbed down by Tonya Harding's ex-husband. Did it ever seem odd to anyone else that this guy was her EX? Maybe he missed the memo...

1995
1. The move to Smalltown, Utah. 6th grade. I h ad a really bad perm.
2. Mississippi ratifies the 13th amendment, abolishing slavery. I think someone missed the boat on this one...

1996
1. 7th grade. Middle School. Still really bad hair. I won Eagle of the Quarter first quarter. My friends made fun of me, but I wore that medal proudly.
2. Jessica Dubroff, 7, is killed in a crash near Cheyenne, Wyoming, while attempting to set the record as the youngest person to ever PILOT an airplane. Nothing funny about this folks, but WHERE were this girls parents? I mean, seriously. Seriously. So. Stupid.

1997
1. 8th grade. My most obsessive crush of all time. I shall not name names, but my journal tells all. So embarrassing.
2. A Pegusus rocket carries the remains of 21 people into Earth's orbit--the first space burial. Mark this down now, this is TOTALLY how I want to go out.

1998
1. Honors English: The "Mother of all Book Reports." For those of you who endured this, I'm sorry. For those of you who have not, know that you can never again call yourself a man.
2. Gotta be the Lewinsky scandal.

1999
1. High School. Sophomore year holds too many memories: drama, broken hearts, sophomore English, taking refuge in art class, some kid named Brian working in automotive shop class and all of us sluffing and taking this blond girl's Cabriolet for a joy ride, more drama...
2. The debut of Spongebob Square Pants

2000
1. Europe with my great friends from French class, a little European "fling", and a lot of fun memories...
2. The last natural pyrenean ibex is found dead, apparently killed by a falling tree. You're intrigued now right? As we speak, you are looking up a pyrenean ibex.

2001
1. I started at the community college as a student after deciding I couldn't handle any more high school drama and, in my own words, "freaking WORTHLESS classes!" I was 16, for crying out loud, couldn't they see that I already knew everything about everything?
2. Septeber 11th--Where was I? I was driving to class (Human Anatomy and Physiology). The teacher was from Pakistan and I remember a lot of the students just sitting there staring at him as he tried to go on as if nothing had happened. Finally, he broke down and apologized, telling us all how not all Muslims are like this, and that he hoped we would forgive them. The college cancelled classes for the rest of the day and I went home and watched those planes crash over and over and over on TV.

2002
1. I moved to Podunk #2, UT to attend University and live in on-campus housing. We recently had our 2002-2003 Dorm Reunion. I am still great friends with most of the people I met there! We all left our doors open all the time and lived as one big "commune." Sort of like Russians.
2. Dick Cheney serves as acting president while Bush has a colonoscopy. I'm noticing a theme here. Maybe we should stop electing really old men.

2003
1. I talked J into marrying me to get me out of campus housing. He finally did on August 14. Whew, one more item to check off the list.
2. President Bush lands on the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln to announce the end of the major military strike on Iraq. Behind him floated a banner with the words "Mission Accomplished." How did that work out for ya, Georgie?

2004
1. We lived in married student housing in a 390 square foot apartment with cinderblock walls. For 3 years. Nuf said.
2. The CIA admits there were no imminent threats of weapons of mass destruction before the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Hmmmm...

20051. Graduation from University! And the summer on the beach in California for me (and the internship of 12 hour days and 2 hour commutes for J, but hey, it was his idea. I just follow like a good Mormon wife should).
2. YouTube hits the web, woohoo!

2006
1. J graduates, and we move into our new house, with our new dog, and our white picket, er vinyl, fence. I was marketing poop plant equipment and Jay was auditing. Sounds like a day in the life of the Cleavers to me. Just living the American Dream.
2. Google buys YouTube. I had no idea Google owned YouTube! Did YOU know that GOOGLE owns YOUTUBE?

2007
1. I finish up my masters in Education and begin teaching 6th grade. Oh the joys, the tears, and the frequent trips to the bathroom (as I was pregnant the entire school year).
2. Retired chess champion Garry Kasparov is detained in Moscow for participating in a banned match. A banned match? They actually BAN chess matches in some parts of the world? I would move. Seriously. I mean, what is life without a good game of chess...

2008
1. Our wonderful Bug joins our family. It was a crazy first year, learning how to be parents! We are so blessed to have him :)
2. The price of petroleum hits $100 a barrel for the first time. I remember this. Very well. My mom's stock went way up. And my gas use went way down.

2009
1. Well, so far? I recently left my job at the District to take a job at the Community college as an adjunct professor in the Business department. I made the change mainly so I could be home with Bug more, as I only teach in the evening. I miss my colleagues, and my kids, but this has really been good for our family, and so far, I do enjoy my work. Only time will tell, I guess!
2. Of course, the inauguration of Barrack Obama, our first African-American president. Finally, a young guy without colon and prostate issues.

I hope you all enjoyed a Brief History of Time through the life of yours truly. I'll see you all in another 25 years (hopefully...if I start exercising and lay off the chocolate and donuts).

TeenyBopper Tuesdays

2009-08-15T21:37:00.010-06:00

Welcome to TeenyBopper Tuesdays! Where we relive each horrid teenage moment over and over. You can have fun too! All I ask is that you post the TeenyBopper Tuesday button on your blog! I look forward to laughin and crying with you as you post old journal entries, notes, pictures, or memories of this ~~horrible~~ fabulous time in your lives on Tuesdays, which are really worthless days otherwise.

Here is the code for the button!

<a href=http://sublimelifeofme.blogspot.com/ target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="My Life in a Multi-Level" src="http://i416.photobucket.com/albums/pp250/franceluvr/Blinkie-Page001-1.jpg" ></a>"