If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

So I have decided to give Writer's Workshop a try (from Mama's Losin' It).  I love promps.  And the one I have chosen for today is:  If your pet could talk, what would you want to know?

If Oscar could talk,  I would want to know....well, first of all, if Oscar could talk, then he'd be a helluva lot more use than he is now and maybe I wouldn't wish every day that he would get hit by a car we had never got a dog.  But I digress...

If Oscar could talk, I would want to know why the concept of a doggie door is so foreign.  People use people doors.  Chickens use chicken doors.  Midgets Little People use Little People doors (has anyone here ever been to Hobbitville in downtown SL?  Fabulous fun!)  And OTHER dogs use doggie doors.  Why not you?  What sort of elitist propoganda have you been exposed to that would make you feel as if you are SO above doggie doors that you absolutely MUST have a slave human physically OPEN the human door for you to go relieve yourself on my lawn?  And why is it that this always happens to occur when I have just sat my fat arse down on the couch with my laptop, or when we have just fallen asleep at night.  OH or my favorite, at like 2 a.m., so then you wake up the Bug too so we can just all be awake.  Like one big party!  Except it's not a fun party.  It's like the kind of birthday party your mom makes you go to so that the wet-the-bed-smells-like-urine kid doesn't get their feelings hurt.

Another question:  What exactly are you hoping to accomplish by barking at every moving (or unmoving, for that matter) object that comes into your line of sight through the living room window?  Like, do you think you are scaring the rotweiller?  You. Are. A. Shih. Tzu.  You. Weigh. Less. Than. My. Foot.  All you really accomplish is waking up the Bug from his nap, which then causes me to throw a full bottle of Dasani at you while screaming "YOU STUPID DUMB A$$ DOG!  I HATE YOU!", which only makes you yelp louder, waking him up even MORE (if that is possible).

One thing I have really been wondering lately...How does your own barf taste?  Cuz it seems to be your favorite food.  It must be really nummy.  I mean, I don't really care, it saves me from having to clean it up myself, but it just really doesn't sound that appetizing coming up.  Maybe it's better going back down.

And while we are on the subject, what is the purpose of jumping in the bathtub 20 times a day (which you are then stuck in because you are too dumb to get out)?  I mean, I understand the whole "I need a drink and am too lazy to go downstairs to get one" concept.  That's totally cool.  But what about when you just jump in and start bawling to get out.  Do you have some sort of complex?  Do I need to get you medicated?  Cuz you look really dumb when you do it, especially when there is still bathwater in the tub and you are paddling around frantically, trying not to drown because you didn't look before you leaped.  One of these times you are going to solve all my problems when you do this and I am not around to pull your I-look-like-a-drowned-rat carcass out.

If Oscar could talk, these are just a few things I would like to ask him.

Thank you for listening.